just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
