Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
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