And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
