My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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