you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
