Got a toothbrush?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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