how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
