I just saw a hot homeless man
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
