If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My dick has a subreddit
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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