The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
