My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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