you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
pop tarts are not kleenex
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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