Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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