Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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