I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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