my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Randomize
