i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
