Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
