I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I cut my penus on the lid.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
True strength comes from lack of pants
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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