Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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