I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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