Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
