oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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