when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
