Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Vodka?
Forever.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
