so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
We're too hungover to prance.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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