I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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