I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
