just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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