A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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