you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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