Someone shit on the floor
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
