this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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