Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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