Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize