If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
