I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
