HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
