I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I could make wine with my vomit
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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