I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
