Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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