One girl and one boy is just not enough.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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