You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I smell stomach acid.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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