Can Purell be used as lube?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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