She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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