I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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