this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
