I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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