My liver just broke up with me...
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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