Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
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