I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
