new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
