well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Randomize
