i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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