life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I will die if light touches me.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
