I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Randomize
