They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize