Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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