aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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