I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
