Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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