I met the friendliest cop last night
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
