my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
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