I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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