He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize