My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
