I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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