Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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