Will you blow on my dice?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
